Little B
by Khorale
Summary: A five-year old Beyond Birthday had been kidnapped, again and again. Oh, pity the poor kidnappers... CRACK. A series of connected one-shots.
1. Stupidity knows no bounds

**AU. Beyond Birthday is five-years old and L is only a teenager. L is like a big brother to B, and A is still alive.**

**Oneshot. I do not own Death Note or Death Note another note.  
**

* * *

"Lawli!" five-year old B chirped as he was lead away from the house.

"Shut up, brat." One of the men dragging him sneered as they stuffed him into the black van. "We don't have lollipops."

B turned to them with big, watery eyes. "You lied?" he asked sadly, not at all intimidated by the situation he found himself in.

"Oh, uh." The men started to feel uncomfortable. "Hey, d-don't cry…"

"You morons!" their boss shouted at them, "How hard is it to keep quiet a five-year old kid!"

"Lawli will catch you," B sniffled, "I want some jam…"

"Too bad," the boss said, "We don't have that either. Now stay here like a good boy and you will go home when the ransom money comes in."

B, meanwhile, was staring at the man unblinkingly. The (fake) tears had already dried and now he was silent. His red eyes eerily wide that made the man's blood chill.

What kind of child had red eyes?

"You are a meanie, Bob Jones." B announced, crossing his arms in a huff.

The boss jerked back, stunned. His underlings called out to him, wondering what happened to their leader.

This- this brat… Not even his own men knew his name! So how did the child know?

As if reading his mind, B grinned up at the man.

"Lawli will come, and then you will be in big trouble." He promised.

Bob hesitated, still watching the child. "Who is, ah, Lawli?" he tried.

B smiled, like he was anticipating the question. Bob shuddered at the creepy smile on the child's face.

"Lawli is a letter." He started, "He is our guardian, our goal, and our protector. Lawli will definitely come after me!"

The car stopped then, and they arrived at their destination. B leaped off the seat eagerly, but was stopped by Bob's men.

"Sorry, kiddo, but hostages have to remain in one place." The man said sternly.

"Do I get a computer?"

"No."

"What about TV?"

"Hostages don't get privileges. You are only here because we want the money, you cannot make demands of us.

"But why?! Lawli always let Matt and I play his video games at home! Oh, and there's A too, she sucks at karaoke, she sings terribly!"

Bob raised his hand, hoping to calm the hyperactive child. "That's nice and all, but we have to tie you up now."

B wrinkled his nose, "Are you a pervert?" he suddenly asked, "Sorry, mister Bob Jones, but I am not into bondage games."

Bob gaped at the kid, "I am not a pervert!" he spluttered.

B took one more look at the rope, and then took off into the house.

"H-hey! Come back here, you little brat!"

B ran around the house, searching for a phone. "I will phone Lawli for him to pick me up. Then we will eat a big cake! And some jam too…"

He perked up at the mention of jam, and he forgot all about the phone in order to find the kitchen.

But upon arriving, the fridge had no strawberry jam. B stared, eyes wide.

"WHO IS SO WRONG IN THE HEAD THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN KEEP A JAR OF JAM AT HOME?!" he wailed, then sniffled, "No wonder they kidnapped me, they're all wackos…"

Having heard the noise, Bob dashed into the kitchen triumphantly, "Hah! I got you now-" but then he had to dodge a jar of peanut butter.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS FOR, BRAT!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY STRAWBERRY JAM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?"

Bob faltered, "…What?" in his confusion, B picked up a jar of pickles, threw it, and it crashed to the floor in a mess of pickles and juice and glass shards.

Meanwhile, the henchmen who got B's belongings, heard the phone rang.

It was a text message, from this 'Lawli' B was talking about.

_I am coming._

Those simple words made the men cower in fear for some reason, probably their instinct of self-preservation kicking in.

"Whoever this Lawli is, we're screwed…" one of the men commented.

Back to B:

The boy was hiding under a very smelly bed. But he knew that it was practically suicide to come out.

Bob Jones was very angry, and was starting to think that it was not worth it to kidnap this _demon child._

And the orphanage never even sent the money which he rightfully deserved for babysitting the brat! Bob ignored the fact that he had brought this on himself.

B felt around the edge of a box, and was surprised to see white packages in it.

"Drugs," he said. Oh, Lawli is so going to put these men in jail!

He sneezed at the power inside, and noted how disgusting it smelt.

"I don't know why anyone would ever want this kind of thngs," he said, then froze as he heard footsteps getting closer. "Ah, shit."

The door was lifted from the ground, and was replaced by the visage of an angry man. B decided that he liked the bed better,

"What are you doing!" Bob hollered.

"Uncovering your drug stash," B said innocently.

"I shall strangle you for this, you- you demon!"

"Ah, but then who will pay the money for a corpse?" B smiled.

"I'll get another child from the orphanage!"

"But after I'm gone, the security will be way higher. Face it, you will all be caught by Lawli!"

"I don't KNOW who is Lawli!" Bob hollered.

"I am Lawli." An icy voice interrupted hem.

Bob turned around slowly to face a teenager standing in the doorway. He had wild and messy hair, big eyes with dark bags underneath, and plain clothes. He looked like an older B, Bob realized, perhaps Lawli was B's brother?

That thought was thrown out the window when Lawli spoke again.

"And I am L." The teen continued.

Nobody dared to interrupt them. The faces of the kidnappers were frozen in fear as they realized that they had just tangled with someone that L knew, and now the world's greatest detective was angry at them.

"Lawli!" B chirped, bouncing cutely towards the detective. "They don't have jam here! And I was bored, and they wouldn't even let me play video games!"

"…I see." Said L. He crouched down and looked B in the eye, "Did they hurt you?" he asked slowly.

B shook his head cheerfully, "Though Mister Bob Jones said he would strangle me!"

Bob shrank under Ls murderous glare.

L stood up and patted B on the head. "Watari is waiting outside, go to him now."

"What about you, Lawli?" B asked.

L smiled, the same smile that B had used to sent shivers up the kidnappers' spines, "Those gentlemen and I will be having a little… Chat."

The door swung closed, muffling yelps of pain and mournful cries from the inside. And the drugs were confiscated

B only smiled.


	2. He's back for more!

**Yeah, I know this is supposed to be a one-shot, but I suddenly got the idea for continuing the fic. I have no ideas for the plot as this is just a spur-of the moment thing.**

**So more of B and Bob Jones! That poor guy is back for more, it seems...**

* * *

"L! Surrender now or the boy gets it!" The gang leader spoke into the megaphone.

B briefly wondered why people was always kidnapping him. It gets rather boring after a while.

"Hey, Bob Jones!" he called, "Have you not learned your lesson from last time?"

Said man shat a death glare at the demonic child.

"Shut up, brat." He snapped, "I am in a real bad mood right now. i broke out of prison, return to the rich-looking orphanage, grabbed the first child that came out, and it's got to be YOU!"

B waved at him innocently, "Lawli's going to find me again, you know?"

Bob shuddered at the mention of L. "By the time he finds you, you'll be a corpse." He promised.

"What about the ransom money if I'm dead?"

"Screw the money!" The man roared, "I want OUT! Some place whe I will never see you all again!"

"Couldn't you just... Let me go, then?" B suggested. He was cuddling a jar of jam, which Bob never seen him getting.

"No! I still need to get back at you for putting me in jail!"

"That's Lawli's fault." B reminded him cheerfully. "So where are we going?"

"Some secluded place where I can kill you privately." Bob muttered. To himself. B didn't seemed bothered, though, as he leaned back on his seat and continued to drink the jam straight from the jar.

Bob winced, this kid was freaky, but perhaps it was because he had L for a guardian.

"Why do you act like that?" He finally gritted out.

B blinked confusedly For a moment, then he smiled. "I'm the Backup, you see? So I gotta copy Lawli!"

"What kind of crazy logic is this?"

"What kind of crazy logic is you arguing with a five year old?" B shot back. He had emptied his jar and was searching around for something to eat. "Are we there yet?" He chanted.

Bob stared at the child incredulously, "You're about to die and you want me to get there faster?" he asked.

B nodded, a secretive smile on his face. "I've got a surprise waiting for us there, mister Bob Jones."

Gods, this kid was beyond creepy.

"I can't see how you would know where we're heading, and how did you even know my name?!"

"Secret~!"

The next few minutes were spent in silence as Bob cringed as B licked the jam jar clean in messy slurps.

"Isn't L going to chase us down?" Bob finally asked.

"Nah, Lawli's paranoid now after last time, so we've arranged a bunch of people as his emergency contact in case I get kidnapped again..."

"So that's the surprise waiting at our destination?"

B nodded, "Actually... He's already here."

Bob's head whipped around so fast he got whiplash, to see a gun pointing at him from the other side of the glass window of his driver seat.

A boy in a leather shirt and blond hair was riding a motorcycle along Bob's car. He kept the gun pointing steadily, showing his experience in this kind of situation.

"Stop the car."

B grinned happily, "Mello!"

"Shut up, stupid brat." Mello yelled back, "L is worried sick about you!"

"I know! Isn't that sweet?" B cooed, widening his eyes into an innocent and scared look.

Mello snorted. Innocent and scared are the last words you would ever use to describe B.

Matt came on his own motorcycle. He scooped B up and quickly drove away towards the direction of the Whammy's House.

"L told me to deliver this," Mello said, and delivered a swift kick to Bob's stomach. He walked forward to pick the poor man by the collar, "And a word of advice from Mafia leader to mafia leader. _Kill one of us, and you will wish we killed you_."

Meanwhile, B arrived back at the Wammy's house with Matt.

"Are you alright?" L peered worriedly at the boy.

"Of course, Lawli." B snorted, "Now stop trying to scare my new friends away."

"He is a criminal."

"...So? "

"You are not allowed to go near him."

B smiled sweetly, "What if I want to?"

"Why would you?"

He shrugged, "He's amusing. The orphanage is too boring."

L sighed, "Alright, B, but only if you are areful-"

"Oh! I forgot," B exclaimed, though the glint in his eyes weren't missed by L. The boy was up to something. "Last time, he had suggested playing bondage games!"

L choked.


	3. Bonding Time

**More bonding time! Or not. Though Naomi Misora made an appearance this time. I did tell you it's AU...**

* * *

"Mister Bob Jones, what are you doing at the gates of our orphanage?"

Bob gave a frightened yelp and jumped back, to see B standing in the rain behind him.

"YOU AGAIN!" He exclaimed

"Aren't you happy to se me?" B pouted.

"No way the hell, you demon child!"

"Thanks!" B chirped, as though he was pleased at the 'complement'. "So... What are you doing here if you didn't want to see me?"

"I didn't know this was your orphanage!" Bob snapped, "The rain was too heavy!"

"Oh, okay. Do you have any jam?"

"No."

"Can we go buy some? Pleeeeeeeeese!" B whined.

"Quit yer yappin', I don't have any money!"

"But... Aren't you a mafia leader?" B asked, "You must have tons of money!"

"Yeah, yeah..." Bob muttered, "They mutinied after that failed kidnapping, and deemed me incompetent."

"...Oh," B said, looking deflated, "So can you kidnap me again? Then Lawli can pay the money and you can buy me some jam!"

"No! Never again!" Bob shouted, holding up his hand.

"Pretty please with a jar of jam on top of Lawli's favorite cake?" B pleaded.

"Your friend, marshmellow or whatever his name is, said that if I ever harmed you, he'll kill me." Bob said bluntly.

B ignored him, "Hey, that's right! Mello's a gang leader too! He'll have some money!"

"So with that over with, can you leave me alone now?" Bob asked in relief.

"Nope!" B grinned, "Mello hates to share, and didn't like me because I'm smarter than him. I suppose I could bribe him with chocolate, but I don't have any money..." He looked at Bob pointedly.

"Fine, fine," Bob sighed, "We'll _ask_ Lawli nicely for the money. No playing the hostage situation because he'd lop my head off."

"Lawli wouldn't do that!" B protested, "He'll just lock you in a tiny-bitty cell and torture you from time to time! He wouldn't do much, honest!"

"..." Bob shuddered, "Let's just ask him. You are a scary - I mean sweet kid, o-of course he can't refuse."

"Let's go in then!" B bounced away while Bob chased after him.

The ex-gang leader suddenly found himself in a situation similar to last time with Mello: a gun cocked to his face.

"He's with me!" B waved, and the person holding the gun relaxed.

It was a young woman wearing a leather jacket, which reminded Bob of Mello. She didn't seem very threatening, except for the gun she was still holding.

"Say hello to my babysitter, Naomi Misora!" Said B enthusiastically, "Lawli usually invite her over when he's away on a case in another country."

"What's your name?" Naomi asked Bob. She was considerably more relaxed when she saw no hostile movement in the man.

Figuring that his real name would be a bad thing to reveal to an agent of L, which meant that he was known as a gang lead, Bob decided on a fake name. "Rue Ryuuzaki." He replied.

"Right!" B continued, unruffled, "can you give us some money so that we can buy some jam?"

"Isn't there jam in the fridge?" Asked Naomi.

"I ate them all." B said in embarrassment. Naomi sighed and took out her wallet. After handing a five-dollar bill to B, she turned again to Bob.

"Are you friends with B?" She asked.

Bob laughed nervously, "I.. er... Met him one day, invited him over to my house, we met again and I took him for a joyride around the mountains, and this time, he invited me over."

They are all white lies, and Bob hoped that Naomi wouldn't notice it being a little similar to B's kidnapping cases.

"Alright,"she said, and left it at that. "Do you have a place to stay?"

"No, I got kicked out of my house."

"Why don't you come stay with us, then?" Naomi suggested. Bob felt his jaws drop open.

"No no no no..." He said, "I d-don't want to trouble you..."

It was not like he was eager to spent the rest of his life hiding from his old gang in the orphanage he once broke into, with a demon child that lied just to torment him, not to mention that L will recognize him as soon as he stepped into the door...

"Don't be shy," said Naomi, "B seems to trust you, so I guess I'll too."

B came in then, carrying a XL jar of jam. He blinked at them.

"Mister Bob Jones is making friends with Naomi!" He smiled brighty.

Naomi turned to him, "The name you gave was a fake?"she asked.

Bob simply sighed, stared at the ceiling, and resigned himself to his fate.


	4. The innocence of young minds

B pouted as he sat together with Bob Jones on a couch.

"It's a rainy day today, Lawli hasn't come back yet."

Naomi walked over, bringing three cups of hot chocolate and turned on the television.

"I want to watch a horror movie!" B cheered as he pulled out a jar of jam, "Bring on the gore!"

Naomi and Bob shuddered.

"I want to watch a comedy," Naomi commented.

"Action and adventure," said Bob.

"Horror."

"Action."

"Comedy."

Sparks are starting to fly between the three of them.

"Fine," Naomi snapped, "We'll turn on the TV and watch the first thing that came on."

"Deal."

"Okay!"

...

They regretted it. The first channel they had opened turned out to be porn, and they can't find the remote to close it.

"My eyes!" B wailed into the mattress. Bob made a disgusted sound as the people on the screen continued with their...activity for all the word to see.

"L is not going to be happy when he comes back and sees this," Naomi groaned, "We can't change the channel either without the remote, and the television was only on screen-saver before."

"I wonder who was watching this before us," Bob wondered.

"IT WAS MELLO!" B yelled.

"Where is he?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Why are you yelling?"

"I AM BLOCKING THE NOISES OUT!"

"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA," Naomi decided, pulling out earplugs.

"WHY ARE YOU TWO YELLING?" Matt called from downstairs?"

"Hyprocrite" B muttered.

"MATT! CAN YOU DISMANTLE THIS TELEVISION?" Naomi asked.

"Why?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"WHY?!" Matt tried again.

"Come upstairs and you'll see," Bob said.

"Who are you?!"

"The only normal one in this place," Bob deadpanned, "Just - just destroy the damn television."

"..." Matt said when he saw what channel they're on.

"Mello," B supplied helpfully.

"Why am I not surprised?"

Suddenly the door to the orphanage opened

"Hello B, I am-" L froze when he saw what they were watching.

"Ah, hell." was what B said before all hell broke loose.

* * *

**The results are not pretty~**

**I haven't updated in a while. I was caught up in another fandom and created other fanfics one by one without updating the other ones I still have. Sorry for that and the fact that this chapter is not it's usual quality.  
**


End file.
